Dair - Why do I like it?

Ever since the Gossip Girl episode Crazy, Cupid, Love when Dan and Blair kissed, I’ve seen a ton of arguing (to put it mildly) between Dair and Chair fans.  Debate is nice, welcomed even.  But some of the comments are going too far, like insulting the directors for making Dair happen.  Respect is a lovely thing.  Please learn it.  People have threatened to boycott the show or do something to make the ratings go down so the directors are somehow forced to bring Chair back.  That’s just ridiculous.  Last I checked, the show we’re watching was called Gossip Girl and not Chuck and Blair.  Chuck and Blair are not, repeat not, the show’s only focus.  If you like Gossip Girl, you can keep watching.  If you don’t, then don’t watch.  Simple as that.  There’s no reason for threatening to push ratings down or hurl insults.  Now, that’s not to say that every Chair shipper is like this.  There are many that are perfectly reasonable.  They love Chair, but they accept that people are entitled to their own opinion.  Those people are nice.  I like those people.  

Chair fans also tend to say that Dair fans don’t have reasons against Chair/reasons for Dair.  So I decided I would put my own opinions out there.  I like Dair, and I have my reasons.  It’s not just some passing fancy, I assure you.

Now, let’s back up a few years.  I’d heard of Gossip Girl ages ago.  But when I first heard about the books, I was being very judgmental and completely judged Gossip Girl by its cover.  I thought, “Gossip Girl?  Gossip?  Gossip is bad, and I don’t gossip.  There’s no way I’m reading this.”  I sounded horribly pretentious and completely naive, I know.  In my defense, I’m pretty sure I was only in my pre-teens.  Of course, my whole “I don’t gossip” is completely untrue as well.  Of course I gossip.  Everyone gossips.  You can’t go through life without ever gossiping.  But then a couple years later, I found out that one of my friends read Gossip Girl and watched the TV show and really liked it.  I trust her judgment, so I gave it a shot.  I got sucked into the books (which I now realize are not very good, but because of the writing and lack of characterization.  No more superficial judging for me.) and immediately started watching the TV show.  This was in the middle of season one.  Luckily, I hadn’t missed much.  

I’d love to say that I loved Dair from the beginning and immediately saw the potential for their relationship way back then.  But I didn’t.  In fact, I didn’t even start out liking Dan.  Blair was always my favorite character, that definitely hasn’t changed.  I also loved Nate at the beginning.  Serena was eh, Chuck was annoying, Jenny was desperate but sweet, and Vanessa was too different from the books for me to like her.  The only person I really had a high opinion of was Blair.  Nate was just hot and perfect.  But Nate steadily started to lose favor with me because his character wasn’t interesting.  At the same time, Chuck began to get more interesting.  As for the rest, my opinion of Serena plummeted, as did my opinion of Jenny and Vanessa for the most part.  And Dan went from sweet but clingy to okay to interesting to really awesome.  I mean the awesome characters had their low points and the annoying characters had their high points, but that’s the gist of it.  Trust me when I say I didn’t just stick my two favorite characters together.

I started out as a Nair shipper, but they got really boring and really lackluster.  Which is, of course, why they broke up.  Nate and Blair are great as friends though.  I love their friends dynamic.  I moved from Nair to Chair, though with much reluctance.  I didn’t want to like Chuck.  At that point, my image of the characters from the books were still coloring my perception of them in the TV show.  I didn’t like Chuck in the books because he never changed.  So I couldn’t make myself like him in the TV show.  I couldn’t believe Blair lost her virginity to him and I couldn’t believe he actually liked her.  But he won me over by the end of season one.  I think a big part of it was Chuck’s best man speech.  

I was still rooting for Chuck even when he was a jerk in season two.  I didn’t jump ship just because Chuck wasn’t the perfect gentleman.  I knew who Chuck was and I was okay with who he was.  He and Blair played games, but they were just games.  They weren’t really hurting anyone.  (I don’t particularly care about those girls they humiliated.  That one girl we get to see Chuck “seduce” was a jerk.)  And then later, Chuck and Blair never seemed to really catch a break.  They might get together for a little while, but then something would tear them apart again.  It was tearing me up inside.  The season two finale was adorable with Chuck telling Blair he loved her.  And then they managed to stay together in season three (which made me very happy) until Jack came along.

Then Chuck fucking traded Blair for his hotel.  That was something I really couldn’t accept.  But believe it or not, I didn’t start hating Chuck and I didn’t start hating Chair.  I didn’t want Blair to go back and beg Chuck to take her back, but I wasn’t exactly yelling for Blair to move on.  I was heartbroken when Blair went to look for Chuck at the Empire State Building and all she found was the bouquet of peonies.  I was shocked when Chuck slept with Jenny, and even thought Blair a little unreasonable for being so mad at Chuck for sleeping with Jenny when they weren’t together.  I nearly tore my hair out when Chuck got shot.  But after the shock wore off, I still couldn’t believe that Chuck traded Blair for his hotel!  That is not something a man does to the woman he loves.  When Blair slaps him after finding out it was all a trick, Chuck’s only response is, “You went up there on your own.”  

Excuse me?  Yes, she did, because she did it for you.  Don’t you dare spin it so that it’s her fault.  You didn’t stop her.  You didn’t tell her the truth in favor of your own best interests rather than her physical and mental well-being.  You were okay with the love of your life going to sleep with your uncle to get back your hotel even though you had full knowledge of all the nuances.  You were okay with it.  That is not the mark of a good relationship.  

It was in season four that I started seeing the potential of Dair.  While Blair was fighting with Dan and working at W, Chuck was seducing Raina and falling for another girl.  I thought Chuck loved Blair.  Suddenly the two of them are perfectly happy apart?  What?  Blair even tried to get Chuck and Raina together!  Yes, yes, there’s the whole she wants him to be happy even if it’s not with her thing.  But that wasn’t her reason for doing it.  Or if it was it wasn’t her only reason.  It’s not easy to set up the man you love with another woman.  There would have to be some inner turmoil, some reluctance, some debate over whether or not she’s willing to give him up.  But there was none of that.  Instead, Blair was building a friendship with Dan that she thought was genuine.  And she was genuinely hurt when Dan betrayed her.  Of course, I’m not saying it was right for Dan to betray her.  I thought he never should have done that.  But that was nowhere near the level of betrayal Chuck caused by trading Blair.  

Blair and Dan continued to bond and develop a genuine friendship.  There’s a real connection there.  There’s a connection that they don’t have with anyone else.  This is a friend for Blair who she hasn’t known since she was a child and someone who she isn’t only friends with out of habit.  This is a relationship the two of them built based on common interests.  Blair and Dan are the intelligent ones of their group. Blair can’t talk about literature and movies to anyone else.  Dan does have Vanessa, but Vanessa doesn’t understand the other side of him.  Dan isn’t all books and movies and writing.  As we see from Inside, he’s always longed to be on the inside.  That’s something Vanessa can’t and won’t understand.  

Both Blair and Dan have friends that can cater to one side of their personalities but not the other.  They both know they can count on their friends, but there’s a level of understanding between Dan and Blair that isn’t there with anyone else.  That is what enabled Dan to write Louis wedding vows for him and have Blair believe he “peered into her soul.”  Ask yourselves.  How many of you think you would be able to write any of your friends’ significant other’s wedding vows?  No matter how much you care about your friends or how well you know them, do you think you could write a set of wedding vows that would peer into their soul?  I’m certain you could write great wedding vows for your best friend.  Very sweet, romantic, exactly what they want to hear.  But a deep connection?  Something that really strikes them that their significant other loves them and knows them like no one else?  I know I couldn’t do that.  

The biggest point is that Dan and Blair have a deep connection that’s only between the two of them.  I’d wager that Chuck couldn’t write the same vows as Dan.  Or even write vows that would strike Blair as much.  That’s a matter of opinion of course.  You can choose to believe he would’ve written better vows if you’d like.  Be my guest.  

The thing is, Blair’s relationship with Dan is very intellectual, they connect in their minds and their hearts rather than just physically.  I believe that for two people to be together, they need to first have a connection.  The physical can come later.  You stay in love with someone for who they are and not for how great the sex is or whatever.  However, Blair’s relationship with Chuck was very different.  Their relationship started with limo sex and snowballed from there.  There’s a level of openness between them, but they still have their secrets.  We never see them have a heart-to-heart or even an honest discussion.  These are two very important parts of a relationship.  While, yes, not every piece of their relationship is broadcast on screen, but they show us what they believe are the most important parts of their relationship.  If the talking is never shown, it’s not important enough to warrant screen time.  If the sex, the games, and the pain are the only important parts of their relationship, then what kind of relationship is this?  The show is a drama, certainly.  But the more domestic sides of other relationships are shown.  We see Nate getting Vanessa to take the SAT.  We see Dan and Serena on their first very awkward date.  The calm sides of the relationships are not usually the focus of the show, but they’re there.  Chuck and Blair don’t really have those scenes.  

Then there was that scene when Blair went to tell Chuck about her and Louis’ engagement.  That was a very dark scene and a scene I was deeply shocked by.  I’ve always known that Chuck is not a perfect gentleman and doesn’t treat Blair like a porcelain doll.  But I never, ever thought he would physically hurt Blair.  Josh Safran said that “He punches the glass because he has rage, but he has never, and will never, hurt Blair.  He knows it and she knows it, and I feel it’s very important to know that she is not scared - if anything, she is scared for Chuck - and what he might do to himself, but she is never afraid of what he might do to her.”  While it was quite clear that Chuck wasn’t aiming for Blair, I couldn’t help but feel there was something very wrong about that scene.  It sent chills down my spine, but not in a good way.  Chuck’s possessiveness and the way he handled Blair was shocking, as I’m sure it was meant to be.  However, this reveals an unstable relationship.  Possibly a dangerous relationship.  

When Dan realized that Blair wanted Chuck and not him, he didn’t throw a fit and he didn’t alienate Blair.  He brought them together because he believed that’s what would make her happy.  When Chuck saw that Blair might not want him anymore, he slept with Dan’s agent to get information to (I assume) sabotage Dan, or something equally unsavory.  See the difference?  One wants Blair’s happiness regardless the cost.  The other just wants Blair regardless the cost and even regardless what she wants.  There is a very big difference.  Dan is thinking of Blair whereas Chuck is thinking of himself.  

About a year ago I was talking about Chuck and Blair to a friend who doesn’t watch Gossip Girl.  I was explaining their relationship and venting about my frustration over the season three finale.  I was devastated that Chuck was shot and I was talking about the near-proposal.  My friend then asked me how old they were.  I told her they were about eighteen and she raised an eyebrow at me and asked, “And they’re getting married?”  I immediately started sputtering and protesting that “They’re Chuck and Blair!  It’s different for them!”  She gave me a skeptical look but indulged me.  She said teasingly, “You know, when you start making excuses for characters…”  I just laughed and brushed it off at the time, thinking that it is difficult to understand Chair with little background on the show.  Recently, what she said struck a chord within me.  I realized that I was making excuses for Chuck and Blair.  And I shouldn’t.  Why should it matter if they’re Chuck and Blair or Jack and Jill?  There is no excuse for them getting married so young and there is no excuse for Chuck trading Blair for a hotel.  

By compromising my ideas for what’s right for Chuck and Blair, I’m indirectly telling myself that something like this is okay.  That there’s nothing wrong with getting married at eighteen and that there’s nothing wrong with a man treating the woman he loves as property.  Because that’s what Chuck did in trading Blair but not telling her.  He treated her as a pawn.  A man and a woman in a relationship need to be equals.  Chuck and Blair are not.  Blair is making endless concessions for Chuck, hoping he’ll change.  But he never does.  What has Chuck sacrificed for Blair?  Chuck has proven that he’ll use anything means to achieve his ends, even if those means involve trading people.  Does this seem like a healthy relationship to you?  

Before Dan and Blair, there was no real healthy relationship to compare Chuck and Blair to.  None of the relationships were driven by trust, honesty, and openness.  Chair is so appealing because it’s the kind of great, legendary love that everyone thinks they want.  The swooping ups, the plummeting downs, the overwhelming joy, the unbearable heartache, and the fact that no matter what happens the other person will still love you unconditionally.  Chair is quite tragic.  Why do you think we love Romeo and Juliet so much?  It’s fast, it’s romantic, it’s tragic.  But the reality?  Two young teenagers killed themselves because they “love each other” within a couple days of first meeting.  I’m not quite sure where the romance comes in.  I’ll be the first to admit that I absolutely loved Romeo and Juliet when I was younger.  But a simple love is the best kind of love.  Grand gestures aren’t the only way to show your love.  Love can be shown in quieter ways, like the willingness to be there for someone in their time of need without asking for anything in return.  There’s no need to crash a party drunk and ruin the hostess’ evening.  There’s no need to declare that the person is, “Mine!”  The need to be so possessive just shows how insecure he is in her love and his own love.  Chuck needs to repeatedly use grand gestures to win Blair over.  He needs to repeatedly affirm that she is his.  Dan has never once done anything of the sort with Blair, Serena, or Vanessa.  His love is self-sacrificing whereas Chuck’s is destructive, sacrificing everyone around him, including the person he claims to love.

At the end of last season and beginning of this season, I realized that Chuck was trying to change, trying to let Blair be happy regardless who it was with.  I was very happy with this development because it showed that Chuck was trying to grow up.  I realized that Chuck and Blair were not on the same level, therefore they could never work.  They needed to sort themselves out before tying themselves to one another.  This is why I was proud of Blair when she decided she needed to be Blair Waldorf before being Chuck Bass’ girlfriend.  She realizes that she’s worth something all on her own.  She doesn’t need a man to complete her.  I was overjoyed when Chuck returned the ring because it showed he was moving on.  I believed, and still do believe, that for Chuck and Blair to ever work out again, Chuck needs to first let go of Blair and stand firmly on his own two feet.  Blair needs to do the same.  Only then will they be equals (as Blair rightly wants) and be able to give their relationship another try.  As it stands now, Chuck hasn’t given up his old ways, evidenced by his sleeping with Dan’s agent.  Chuck offered to pay Blair’s dowry, essentially offering to buy her from Louis.  You’ve no idea how proud I was that Blair refused.  Earlier, she wouldn’t have.  She would’ve grabbed at any chance to be with Chuck, even if it meant letting him buy her.  But now she realizes that something like that would ensure she and Chuck are never equals.  Blair would never stop owing Chuck and they would both be miserable for it.  She’s decided she would make her own decisions rather than letting two men bargain for her and pass her around like a piece of property.  

Dan, on the other hand, has never pressured Blair, only been there for her.  He loves her, so he’s willing to be there in any capacity even if all she wants is a friend.  But really, you should also find a friend in your significant other.  One does not negate the other.  Dan is there for Blair physically and spiritually.  Blair needs Dan’s support, as evidence by when she says, “I just need to know you’ll be there for me.”  But she doesn’t need Chuck there.  Chuck doesn’t provide her with support.  It’s Dan who’s always there to pick up the pieces.  The person who makes you cry isn’t the most important person in your life.  It’s the one who’s always there afterward to dry your tears that matters most.  Blair can only count on Chuck to cause her pain, but she can always count on Dan to be there to alleviate it.  

Is Chuck abusive?  I wouldn’t necessarily go that far.  Chuck doesn’t tear Blair down mentally and he doesn’t hurt her physically.  But he doesn’t treat her the way a woman deserves to be treated.  The idea that women are property is a very outdated belief.  No one should subscribe to that belief today.  He traded her like property.  He doesn’t put her well-being above his own interests.  She’s a glorified toy with thoughts.  

Is Dan perfect?  Certainly not.  But Dan is healthier for Blair.  Blair can freely be any facet of herself with Dan.  There’s no judging, something she valued when she was with Chuck.  Or at least if there is judging, Dan does it kindly, accepting her despite her flaws and bringing out her better qualities versus her darker ones.  Unlike with Chuck, who loved her practically for her darker traits.  He brought out the worst in her and warped her so that she believed that was right.  Dan doesn’t necessarily like Blair’s darker side, but he loves her despite it.  Love doesn’t mean worshipping every bit of a person.  When you love someone, they’ll still have qualities you don’t like.  You just accept them despite those qualities.  Dan treats Blair well.  He takes care of her and he lets her do what she needs to.  There’s the need to protect her, certainly.  But there’s no possessiveness.  He fell in love with her mind, despite the fact that she’s a ninety-five-pound, doe-eyed, bonmot-tossing, label-whoring package of girly evil.

~XOXO, Seravia